i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
