life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
