I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
