I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
