It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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