this beer tastes like vomit already
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
