for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
