fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
