Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
