Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
