I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
