I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize