Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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