I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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