Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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