how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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