Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
