Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
