ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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