That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize