I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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