Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
