You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
