I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize