Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
