i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
