So many bounce houses so little time
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
