this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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