I have demons in me.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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