I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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