Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just want nice things and good sex
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
