i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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