I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize