Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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