Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
