Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
