Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
