Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize