She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
