I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
