So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
