Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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