i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
