I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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