was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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