So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
