I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
