If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
