you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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