while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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