I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
