Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
