Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
