I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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