trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
