dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Randomize
