I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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