community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
