How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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