I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
