my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have fence marks all over my body
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
