You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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