Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize