Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He felt like a one man threesome
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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