halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
