The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
