This beer is not sobering me up at all
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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