How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
